What Is Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy? A Gentle, Experiential Path Back to Yourself

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Jan 9
14 min read

Updated: Jan 11

If there were one thing I could go back and tell a younger version of myself, it would be this:

Go and find a good IFS therapist. It is the key to your freedom.

I say this knowing I’m biased — deeply so — because of how profoundly Internal Family Systems therapy has changed my life. And I also know that we all have our own paths to healing and liberation. Still, if IFS had found me earlier, I believe it would have saved me years of feeling disconnected, numb, and alone.

IFS therapy isn’t just a therapeutic model to me.It is a pathway back home to yourself. Sometimes I knew from a very young age I was going to have to find. I am so grateful that I did find this path. That I not only got to walk it but now I get to help others as well. In many ways I am so grateful for all the trauma I experienced so I can say with confidence it can be healed. Before IFS I searched for so long for a model that would offer real experiential healing.

What Is Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy?

Internal Family Systems therapy (IFS therapy) is a gentle, experiential, evidence-based form of psychotherapy developed by Richard Schwartz.

Despite the name, IFS is less about your external family and more about the inner family that lives within you.

IFS is based on a few simple yet powerful truths:

You are not just one “self,” but made up of many parts
These parts are not flaws — they are adaptive and protective
Beneath all of your parts is your true Self: a calm, compassionate, and healing presence

Rather than trying to eliminate symptoms or “fix” what’s wrong, IFS therapy helps you build a relationship with your inner world, helping you to truly understand your parts, the survival skills they took on and the burdens that need to be witnessed and released so you can connect back to the truth of who you really are. IFS really has the ability to help you not just understand your True Self but to embody it and live from this place.

What Do “Parts” Mean in IFS Therapy?

When IFS talks about parts, it doesn’t mean anything pathological.

It doesn’t mean “multiple personalities.”

It means the very human experience of saying:

Part of me wants closeness, and part of me pulls away.
Part of me wants rest, and part of me doesn’t know how to relax
Part of me knows better, and part of me keeps repeating the same pattern.

These parts often form early in life as intelligent responses to our relationships, family systems, and culture. They help us survive, belong, and cope. It is completely normal to experience these polarized push-and-pull dynamics within yourself.

How often have you said something like, “Part of me wants to be healthy and go to the gym, but another part of me just wants to watch TV and eat junk food”? We use parts language all the time and experience this inner dynamic in our everyday lives.

What Are Burdens?

In Internal Family Systems (IFS), burdens are the beliefs, emotions, and sensations that parts of you take on—often at a very young age—as they try to make sense of the world and keep you safe and get your needs met.

These burdens are not random. They form in response to your relationships, environment, experiences, family history and culture. At the time, they are protective. They help you survive, adapt, and belong when you have very little power, choice, or autonomy.

The challenge is that while burdens may have been necessary earlier in life, they often outlive their usefulness. As adults, even when we have more freedom and capacity, these burdens can still be running the show. When that happens, you may feel stuck, restricted, or disconnected—like something inside of you is holding you back even when you logically “know better.”

Burdens keep you disconnected from your true essence, what IFS calls the Self. And it’s not just the system as a whole that is affected—each part that carries a burden is also cut off from its own natural qualities when it is weighed down by burdens.

It’s important to understand that parts don’t choose burdens because something is wrong with you. They take them on because it made sense at the time.

From an IFS perspective, there is always a good reason a burden exists. This is why in IFS we lead with curiosity to truly understand the things that often don’t make sense until you really listen to these parts, their histories and how they got the jobs they have.

While there are many different burdens, there are a few core burdens that tend to drive most human systems—often carried by our younger parts. These core burdens shape how you relate to yourself, others, and the world, and they often sit at the heart of our suffering.

Some of the most common core burdens that younger parts carry sound like:

· I am unworthy

· I am not good enough

· I am unlovable

· I am alone

· Deep experiences of fear, terror, or overwhelm

When you go through experiences that make you feel unloved, alone, or misunderstood, those feelings can begin to feel like facts. You start to believe that these feelings must mean something about you. I feel bad, so I must be bad. I don’t feel loved, so I must be unlovable.

For many of us, these core burdens aren’t always consciously known. When they are formed and carried by younger parts, the system often works hard to prevent us from feeling them directly. It’s incredibly painful to move through life feeling not good enough or unlovable, so parts of us begin working overtime to protect us from that pain.

These protective strategies might look like trying to be perfect, becoming hypervigilant, people-pleasing, or constantly striving to do more. The belief underneath is often something like, “If I do enough, I will finally be enough.” This is how protectors think—they work tirelessly, believing that effort, control, or perfection will keep the pain away.

But these core burdens are not the truth of who you are. You have always been good, lovable, and worthy, even if your experiences didn’t reflect that back to you. Feelings themselves have no moral meaning—you can feel anything, and it does not say anything bad about who you are.

Once an exile is carrying this pain, other parts naturally develop to protect against ever feeling it again. These protective parts are often referred to as Managers and Firefighters. Their role is to prevent the pain from being activated or to quickly distract from it if it does arise.

For example, if you grew up with caregivers who were struggling with their own mental health, stress, or limitations—and couldn’t show up for you in the way you needed—you may not have felt consistently seen or loved. As a child, it is often safer to conclude “Something must be wrong with me” than to see caregivers as unavailable or overwhelmed. You can’t leave, but your system can try to fix the situation by becoming more lovable, more worthy, or easier to care for. If it’s “your fault,” at least there’s a sense of control.

Similarly, if you grew up in a family where certain emotions—like anger, sadness, or fear—weren’t allowed or welcomed, you may have learned to exile those feelings. A child often concludes, “If these emotions aren’t okay, something must be wrong with me for having them.” So, parts work hard to push those feelings away in order to stay connected and safe.

If you were hurt, caught off guard, or repeatedly felt unsafe as a child, your system may have developed parts that are anxious or hypervigilant—always scanning for danger, trying to stay one step ahead. Even if life is safer now, those parts may never have gotten the message that the threat has passed.

The paradox is that when we protect against something, we often end up stuck with it.

Many strategies that helped you survive—people-pleasing, perfectionism, shutting down our needs, staying small, or being “good enough” to earn approval—made sense in impossible situations. But as adults, these same strategies can keep you disconnected from yourself, living from protection rather than presence.

In IFS therapy, we often ask parts how old they believe you are. It’s common for them to respond as if you are still very young. They relate to your current life as though you still don’t have choice, voice, or safety—because no one has updated them yet.

IFS helps gently update the system. It allows parts to learn that you are no longer a child, that there is more capacity now, and that the old strategies and burdens are no longer needed. As burdens are released, the system can move out of survival mode and into something much fuller.

Not just coping—but truly living and thriving.

It is safe now to live with your heart open. IFS can show you how to do this now.

Exiles and Protectors

I’ve already mentioned some of the key parts in Internal Family Systems (IFS), and here is a clearer way to understand how they tend to organize inside of us.

In IFS, parts often fall into two broad categories: Exiles and Protectors.

Exiles

Exiles are usually younger parts “inner child” that carry the core burdens we’ve been talking about—beliefs like “I’m not good enough,” “I’m unlovable,” or “I’m alone.” They often hold the emotional pain from moments in life when we felt unsafe, unseen, misunderstood, or overwhelmed.

Because the feelings exiles carry can be so intense, the system doesn’t want us to have to feel them all the time.

Two Types of Protectors: Managers and Firefighters

In Internal Family Systems (IFS), protectors generally fall into two main groups: Managers and Firefighters. Both are trying to do the same thing—keep you safe—but they go about it in very different ways.

Managers

Managers are proactive protectors. They work ahead of time to prevent painful feelings and beliefs from being activated in the first place. Managers like control, structure, and predictability. Their goal is to keep life manageable so the exiles’ pain never has to surface.

Common Manager strategies include:

Perfectionism
Overachieving or overworking
People-pleasing
Being highly responsible or “the good one”
Avoiding conflict
Staying busy or productive
Self-criticism used as motivation

Managers often believe that if they can just do things well enough, everything will stay okay.

Firefighters

Firefighters are reactive protectors. When something slips past the Managers and an exile’s pain starts to come up, Firefighters rush in to put out the fire as quickly as possible. Their focus is immediate relief, not long-term consequences.

Common Firefighter strategies include:

Emotional numbing or shutting down
Dissociation or spacing out
Overeating or bingeing
Substance use
Compulsive scrolling, shopping, or distractions
Sudden anger or emotional outbursts
Impulsivity

Firefighters are focused on stopping pain as quickly as possible, using whatever resources are available in the moment. Sometimes, as we learn new skills—like meditation, exercise, or breathwork—Firefighters may begin using these tools instead of more destructive strategies.

And while this can be a helpful shift, true healing comes from working with the underlying burdens themselves. When those burdens are healed, we no longer feel driven to do things out of fear or urgency. We get to move, rest, and engage with life because it genuinely brings us joy—not because something bad might happen if we don’t.

When you heal your burdens, your life may look similar but why you do the things you do changes. Instead of being motivated by fear, shame and protection you move through life from a place of joy and excitement.

Your True Self Is Already Here

One of the most important things I want you to know is this: your True Self is here right now. It has always been here. You often feel it when you do the things you love. When you lose yourself in flow doing something creative or rewarding, when you lose yourself in laughter with a friend, when you connect to nature and feel interconnected with it. These are natural glimpses of Self.

Sometimes it can feel blocked or inaccessible, much like the sun on a cloudy day. When clouds roll in, the sun doesn’t disappear—we simply can’t see it for a while. And even when the sky is completely overcast, you still know the sun is there. You trust it.

In the same way, I know and trust that your True Self is here—even if you’re struggling to feel it or believe it right now.

Internal Family Systems (IFS) helps you gently build this trust and reconnect with the core of who you really are. Your True Self is not a part. It’s something much larger—something that connects us all. It is a healing force within you.

In IFS, Self is often described through the 8 Cs—curiosity, compassion, calm, clarity, confidence, courage, creativity, and connection. And while these qualities are most naturally present in Self, parts can also carry them, especially when they are connected to more Self-energy. These parts are called Self-like parts and often had to step in like Self to help you survive. They manage a lot but they cannot heal the parts they protect only Self energy can.

Self-energy has no agenda.It doesn’t judge.It doesn’t force change it sits beside our parts, open hearted and able to hold the unbearable.

Self is freedom, presence, and unconditional love. And from this place, Self can lead. You will always need your parts, they make you who you are but life is so much easier when they are connected to Self-energy.

A Shift in How I Understand Self and IFS

Each year, my understanding of IFS and the True Self continues to deepen and evolve. One of my most meaningful recent shifts came through discovering the work of Loch Kelly.

Loch Kelly teaches a form of Effortless Mindfulness, which helps you connect directly with Self-energy first—and then relate to parts from that place. Traditional IFS often begins by connecting with parts and then accessing Self through them. But this raised an important question for me:

How do we know we’re connected to Self if we don’t yet know what Self feels like?

Loch Kelly’s work offers an experiential doorway into recognizing Self-energy directly—helping you develop a felt sense of presence, openness, and awareness. From there, parts can be met with even more ease and compassion.

I highly recommend his podcasts and books if you’re wanting to build this experiential knowing of yourself. I’ve taken his training and have integrated his practices into my own daily life and into my work with clients, and it has been deeply transformational.

A Short “Here Now” Practice (Inspired by Loch Kelly)

You might try this simple reflection:

For just a moment, notice what is here now—when there is no problem to solve.

Let your mind understand the question, and then gently notice inside: What is here now when there is no problem to solve?

See if you can become curious about the space that may—or may not—open up. You might remember a moment in your life when there truly was no problem. Notice how that space feels.

Again, gently ask: What is here now when there is no problem to solve?

Maybe you notice some space open up in your chest, an openness where there is no problems. See if your parts can get curious about this space in your heart. Your parts can keep their problems and still notice this space within.

It’s okay if this doesn’t resonate. And if it does, simply stay curious about this space within you.

Self-Leadership: The Heart of IFS

A central goal of IFS is Self-leadership—allowing this calm, compassionate presence to guide your inner system and your life. It’s a profoundly beautiful way to move through the world: less driven by fear or protection, and more guided by clarity, connection, and choice.

IFS doesn’t create Self.It helps you remember it and reconnect to it.

And from there, healing unfolds naturally.

Why IFS Therapy Is Different from Traditional Talk Therapy

IFS therapy is experiential, not just intellectual.

While insight and understanding matter, IFS goes beyond talking about your patterns.

Instead, you:

Turn inward with curiosity
Directly meet the parts of you that are struggling
Listen to their stories
Heal pain at the root, not just manage symptoms

IFS helps you understand why you’ve been suffering — without blame — and helps your system out of survival mode into living in the present with more choice and freedom.

It’s not just coping.It’s coming home.

What IFS Therapy Is Not

IFS therapy is:

❌ Not about diagnosing or pathologizing you
❌ Not about forcing change
❌ Not about reliving trauma without support
❌ Not multiple personality disorder

IFS is respectful, collaborative, and paced to your nervous system. It goes at the speed of trust.

A Real-Life Example of IFS in Session

Imagine you come to a counselling session looking for support with anxiety. You’ve tried understanding it, managing it, maybe even pushing it away—but it still shows up.

Your counsellor gently invites you to slow things down.

Counsellor:“Let’s take a moment and see if you can notice the anxiety inside—either in your body or in your thoughts. Just invite it forward and notice what shows up now.”

You pause and turn your attention inward.

Client:“I feel it in my chest and my stomach.”

Counsellor:“Okay. As you focus there, what do you notice now? Sensations, images, or even words?”

Client:“It feels like fast-moving energy. Tight. Almost like it’s buzzing.”

Counsellor:“See if you can just stay with that sensation for a moment. As you do, notice how you feel toward this anxious part right now.”

Client:“I feel frustrated with it. Like, ‘Why are you here again?’”

Counsellor:“That makes sense. Validate it and ask the frustrated part to give us a little space, just for now, so we can get to know the anxiety directly.”

You notice a small shift, as frustration sits to the side.

Client:“I feel a bit more curious now. Less annoyed.”

Counsellor:“Great. From that curious place, see if you can gently focus back on the anxious part. Let it know you’re interested in understanding it. Invite it to notice the curiosity coming from you. What does it want you to know about its intention?

Client:“It’s saying it’s trying to keep me alert… like something bad might happen if it relaxes.”

Counsellor:“Thank it for letting you know that. See if you can ask it what it’s afraid would happen if it didn’t do its job.”

You pause again.

Client:“It’s afraid I’ll get overwhelmed… or caught off guard. Like I won’t be able to handle things.”

Counsellor:“That sounds really important. Ask it what would be so bad about being caught off guard and not being able to handle things, what is so bad about this?

Client:“It says that I would be all alone and feel like I don’t matter.”

Counsellor:

“Let it know we don’t want that to happen also. Ask it how old it thinks you are.”

Client:“It says I’m about eight.”

There’s a softness in the room now.

Counsellor:“Let the anxious part know how old you actually are now, 38. See if it notices the difference.”

Client:“It’s surprised. It didn’t realize I wasn’t that young anymore.”

Counsellor:“Beautiful. Ask it what it if it knows you have the ability to help that 8 year old who feels alone and like they don’t matter?’

After a moment, emotion rises.

Client:“I can see 8 year old me they feel really scared and alone. Like no one was there.”

At this point, the anxiety isn’t being pushed away or managed—it’s being understood. The session continues gently, at the pace your system allows, building trust and safety. With the protector’s trust, the counsellor can support the client in helping the eight-year-old exile connect with Self-energy. Being there for the 8-year-old in the ways they needed but never got when younger. Eventually once they feel understood they will release the feelings of being alone and afraid and come back to their unique qualities and gifts that lay beneath the burdens.

As this happens, the protector no longer has to work so hard to keep the exile safe and may also release the anxiety and fear it has been carrying. Over time, the protector may choose a new role in the system—one connected to greater freedom, choice, and playfulness.

This is what makes IFS different.

Rather than trying to get rid of anxiety, you build a relationship with it. You discover why it’s there, what it’s protecting, and how old parts of you may still be responding to the present as if it were the past.

And from this place, real healing becomes possible—not through force, but through connection.

Who Is Internal Family Systems Therapy Especially Helpful For?

IFS therapy is particularly supportive for people experiencing:

Trauma or complex trauma
Shame and chronic self-criticism
Anxiety or emotional overwhelm
Inner conflict or feeling stuck
Burnout from work
Addictions and unhealthy habits
Disconnection from self or meaning
Relationship and attachment challenges

Many people say:

“I understand my patterns, but I still feel stuck.”

IFS therapy bridges that gap.

Ways to Go Deeper (Free + Supported)

If this approach resonates, here are a few gentle ways to begin:

📘 IFS Daily Parts Journal

A guided journal to help you build a compassionate relationship with your parts and connect to Self.👉 [Link IFS Daily Parts Journal here]

🎧 Free Guided Practices on Insight Timer

Explore free IFS-inspired guided exercises to experience parts work and Self-energy directly.👉 [Link Insight Timer profile click here]

🤍 One-on-One IFS Counselling

If you’re longing for deeper support in meeting yourself with compassion, I offer one-on-one Internal Family Systems therapy in a safe, attuned, and experiential way. Check out my website with this link or email me at info@kyliefeller.com to set up a free consultation call. I work internationally 👉 [Link to home website for me]